GRACE, HOPE and PEACE | Stillbirth ~

LOSING JASMINE

One of the happiest days of my life was finding out we were having a girl. Someone that I could dress up like a doll baby, possibly look like me and was born to be my best friend.

Somehow in the back of my mind, I knew that it was too good to be true. And it certainly was!

In 2011 we lost a baby girl named Jasmine Hope at our 28 weeks of pregnancy. She was stillborn and I was devasted, lost and wanted to not live anymore.

Let me rewind to the beginning…

With Jasmine, I was certainly a high-risk pregnancy. I was overweight, had a couple of miscarriages and repeat C-sections. During the pregnancy, my blood pressure was out of whack for the first time ever and they did not know why it could not be controlled even with blood pressure medication.

I choose to go to the same OBGYN that I went to when I had my oldest son. I was just happy to be able to go somewhere other than the clinic (this is where I went when I had my middle son) but now looking back on it, they would have done a better job.

Funny thing, I ended up going to the same high-risk clinic anyway! Go figure!

Throughout my pregnancy, everything seemed different. Just thought it was because I was having a girl.

I was more emotional, had weird dreams, it was difficult for me to sleep at night, my skin and hair changed tremendously.  

I remember not wanting Jason to leave for work and I was super clingy.

Once I had a dream that I had a boy and I did not quite understand what that meant. Until I laid eyes on Jasmine after delivering her. She looked just like my husband with no hair. Then it all made sense.

Everything was a chore! I was super duper tired but hated to go to sleep at night. Every time I would wake up I had these terrible headaches and it seemed like someone strangled me in my sleep. Little did I know I had sleep Apnea at the time. To this day I felt like my sleep Apnea was a factor with my high blood pressure and breaks of breathing in my sleep that contributed to her death. I am not sure…I do not know.

I was very excited to shop for Jasmine. I had two boys already so having a little girl was going to be refreshing. I could not wait to dress her up, purchase doll babies, decorate her room with anything girlie she liked. Also shopping together as she got older through the years just like my Mom and I did all the time.

After a while, Jasmine had a room full of stuff. Pink everywhere!!

We were about to paint her room a beautiful pale pink and somehow we kept putting it off to do later. 

I was tired or not enthused to get her room ready. Looking back, I see that it was the Lord letting me know something. This was certainly out of my character. But hey, I thought it was because I was pregnant and tired.

One day I had this overwhelming sadness that just came over me. I remember sitting in my room and began to play music from Pandora. The song, “Trust Me” by Richard Smallwood came on. I really loved the lyrics to this song and played it over and over again.

That is when I noticed that I have not felt Jasmine move for a while now. She did not move a lot like her brothers so I thought that maybe because she was a girl she was less active.

It just did not settle right with me. I had to make a trip to the doctor to see if everything was okay. Because I was 28 weeks, they told me to go to the triage department for pregnant women and let them know once I got to the ER.

I made the trip to the ER alone because we had one car at the time, my husband probably just got off of work and someone had to watch the boys when they got home from school.

We just thought we were taking precautions. I was just going to a routine checkup. They were going to check for her heartbeat and then I was going home.

Little did I know the nurse could not find any heartbeat.

I was devastated!

I really started to have an out of body experience. I was devastated but it felt like it was just a dream. I was going to wake up any minute now.   

I had to get in contact with my mom to pick up Jason and the boys. That seemed like the longest wait ever!! Alone! But I have to say that the LORD KEPT ME!! He kept me in PERFECT PEACE!

I remember playing the song, “Trust Me” again. Taking pictures of my huge belly in the mirror.

The doctors went over my options for delivery of Jasmine.

I choose to deliver her vaginally although I never had a vaginal birth. I was scared. Mainly of something rupturing, I heard stories of vaginal births after C-Sections (VBAC) successfully but not after having two previous C-sections. I have to say it was different, painful mentally and physically (I can imagine a larger baby at full term was certainly some kind of pain).

At this point, I was still going through the motions. The Lord gave me peace and grace to get through the moment.

The nurses cleaned her up and asked if I wanted to see her after the delivery. Of course, I had too! I wanted to see our baby girl.

She was so tiny and wrinkled. Her skin was so fragile. I could tell the nursed tried not to distort her anymore while cleaning her up. They did a wonderful job!

I took my time holding her. They said I had all the time in the world.

Gosh, she looked just like Jason!!

Jason, on the other hand, did not want to hold her. It was difficult for him to even look at her. I can never forget the look on his face and the words that came out of his mouth: “That was not her”.

I knew what he meant but I wanted him to embrace her physically. But I had to respect that was his wishes and how he dealt with it.

Seeing him be so strong (although I was too and my bond was different from his) it helped me to say Goodbye.

I took pictures of her and I am so glad that I did because that was the last time I saw her. They did ask if I wanted to see her the next day but her body…..well I do not remember exactly the words they use but I was not able to see her again. Apparently, Jasmine died a while ago in my womb. That is why she was so fragile and discolored.

The next day….

That is when it all hit me! It was like a train hit me. I was hurt. My heart ached. I felt so empty inside. I wanted to scream! I wanted to hit someone, lash out but what was that going to do!? It was not going to bring my Jazzy back.

I remember some wonderful ministers at the hospital came to pray and visit us. Nurses and doctors….it is all blurry now. They were all so nice. I remember one lady, in particular, asking if there were anything they could do or for other the moms in the future. I told her, “To separate the mothers that lost babies in a totally different area/wing from the new moms that just gave birth”.

Just hearing the newborn cries of babies was like nails on a chalkboard or even a dagger to my heart. (This went on for quite some time when it all went away…I thanked the LORD for his GRACE.)  She said she would certainly suggest it in the future.

When the doctors came in…of course they did not have any answers. They assumed I had preeclampsia and but I was never a diagnosis. At the moment I accepted it, although later on….this drove me crazy. I had to find out! I requested a copy of my medical records…went through them with a fine tooth comb, but still nothing.

During my short stay, we had to figure out if we were going to have a service for Jasmine, bury or cremate her.

Our money was extremely tight! On top of everything else, this was something else to worry about. The hospital gave us a list of places that we could call. There was one place in Raleigh that was affordable to cremate Jasmine for less than three hundred dollars. One of my closest friends, Chris and his wife from high school gave us the money to cremate Jasmine. They were going to gift us a crib at her baby shower but unfortunately, it ended up being for her cremation.

I remember my friends dropping it off in my mailbox because I was not ready to talk to anyone.

My appetite was gone. I felt like I was sleepwalking. Everyone around me was going on with life as if nothing happened. I felt like a failure. 

Nothing mattered at that point.

Of course my children, my husband, my parents and family mattered. Through her loss, I realized that all of the little things we get mad and upset about DOES NOT EVEN MATTER!!!

It was difficult for me to sleep at night. Waking up to hear a fate cry of a baby crying several times, but there was no baby.

I had these indescribable yearning to hold a baby and I had NO BABY TO HOLD!! I just did not want to hold any baby, I wanted MY BABY…OUR BABY. Ugh!

This feeling was something I did not wish on my worse enemy.

I had to learn to lean, walk, talk and trust in God. I walked with him in the darkness. When I felt empty, he filled me. I had a pain that my mother could not soothe and my husband could not console.

I went to church.

I cried when I wanted to cry.

I wrote about her on Facebook (writing helped) and Jason created me a blog (I can’t seem to find it now, sigh).

I listened to sermons to uplift me.

I talked about her to keep her memory alive and it helped me heal.

I took my time getting rid of her things until I was ready and strong enough to deal.

I placed her Urn on my nightstand so she could feel close.

I did research and investigate all the why’s

The one thing I could not get over was other women…or mothers. They seemed unbothered and could care less. I did not understand this myself…because it did not happen to them they did not care or to hear it. This could easily happen to any mother…I was a mother of two and would have never thought in a million years. I was that one out of whatever odd number of statistics.

I remember to this day those that brushed it off. I forgave them.

As time went on I realized that they just did not understand, so they said nothing. Which is understandable because some said the wrong things. “Oh God does not make any mistakes.” or “It was for the best.”

And I just wanted to say, “Oh please be quiet”!

For those that did not say anything, they did not realize was that the biggest gift you could give someone is to talk about it. Let them know you have not forgotten there memory!

What really helped me at first was talking to my Aunt Tiny (she is Jason’s aunt, so by marriage) she had lost two children, one during pregnancy and one that was an adult. To hear her tell me what to expect, how I was going to feel and how it was going to be tough, but I will get through was something that I needed to hear. I did not want to hear that I was going to get through it. But it helped me to get through one day at a time.

I cherished those that listened and got me through. They did not know what to do but to just listened. My mother never experienced a stillborn so she only could help me but so much. Jason did not leave my side, as soon as I got alone to just cry he would come and find me. My Daddy called a lot and so did my Grandfather. They just sat and listened. So did my children….well my oldest (I picked and choose what to talk about with them).

7 years later am still standing! I wanted to give up on life. I wanted to wallow in my sorrows and I did but I had children that needed me. I had so much to be thankful for! I could have lost my life.

Dealt with depression and anxiety, but HE KEPT ME!! I could have lost my mind, but HE KEPT ME!!

I went through all the stages of grief:(here is a link to a helpful article of all of the stages)

SHOCK & DENIAL

PAIN & GUILT

ANGER & BARGAINING

DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS

THE UPWARD TURN

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

As you go through these stages give yourself GRACE. Take your time with yourself. Do what is comfortable and only what you allow yourself to do at the moment. Do not rush a feeling or moment that you are not ready for.

• If you want to talk about your baby then talk about your baby.
• Attend meetings or go to counseling about your loss and grief.
• Find something that is beneficial to help with your healing process. Whether it is a new hobby or going to church stay involved in something when you are ready.
• When others come around do not push them away. At first, this is easy to do but if you see that it becoming a habit take note of it. You do not have to talk, just the company of others can make a world of a difference.
• Find others with similar stories can lift your heavy heart some. It gives one another hope and that empathy that only can be experienced and shared.
• Realize that your spouse is grieving too and dealt with it totally different. They may not show that they are grieving to help you get through yours or to show strength. Don’t forget about them and that they are going through the same loss.
• Having one baby does not take place of another. I have to be honest and say for me it helped me heal a tad bit faster. The feeling of hopelessness faded away but the loss still remains.
• Take your time to have another baby. I know everyone is different but take your time.

The saying, “Time heals all wounds” is just about true.

For months I asked myself and God, “Why Me?!?!” One day he answered me and said, “Why Not You!”. “I loved you so much that I choose you, to feel some of my hurt.” “I want you to be a vessel, share your testimony and share hope.”

When I got an answer I stopped asking, Why?!?! It gave me peace. A peace past all understanding.

Yes, do I get sad, shed a tear? Sure am human and a mother.

I learned that I can trust God through anything that comes my way. It may knock me down or get the breath of life knocked out of me for a while or a second.

He will always pick me up and he will never leave me alone.

Learning that he will give me double for my trouble and that he is always faithful gives me HOPE.

What gives me PEACE is that our daughter is in heaven and does not have to worry about the cares of this old world.

I thought I was stuck with something I had to have from birth…HOPE and I felt like I never had it. Through many of losses and this loss, I gained so much more than just HOPE.  I will certainly never lose HOPE again.